jitters before 2005

Two days from now, it's already 2005. Another year had passed. Another heaps of memories would be built, as well as others that would be forgotten. This year had undoubtedly went by so fast, I can't even face the fact that just two years from now, I'll be graduating from college; one of the scariest thoughts I'd have.


Every time before the year ends, I kept on having this thinking about what had happened in my life during this year. And a particular question would always pop in my mind: HAVE I DONE ENOUGH?


Such a bothering feeling would always hunt me, or maybe some here could share the same "guilt" that I have had. A couple of days ago, I didn't pay attention to the news. I didn't realize that a tsunami had hit certain southerneast asian countries and thousands had died (and still counting). I only learned about the news after a day or two. And after that, I didn't even start to care. And this made me feel afraid. I was afraid of myself, and what was I becoming.


I remembered the two storms that hit Philippines recently. I was in LB when it happened, and after seeing the news (including what happened in LB after the storm), I said to myself that I would like to help in the relief operations. My intentions were honest. Yet, at this time, words spoke louder than actions. I ended up doing nothing.At least here, I thought about helping rather than the tsunami incident that I didn't even pay that much attention to. But similar to the past years, I still didn't do anything to make even a small change: something that my soul must have been hungry of.


Haven't we asked ourselves about this? How many opportunities of helping others have we passed on? How many years have we wasted on concentrating on ourselves? If tomorrow I die, would I be proud of myself? HAVE WE ACTUALLY DONE ENOUGH?


This is just something that I have contemplated on. Maybe my self-worth crisis is taking on my nerves again. Or I may have watched Oprah too much.


I can't say that in 2005, I would change myself to do change to others. It's hard to mean such things and you'd end up nothing again. All I can do is hope. All I can do is talk myself into this "change" that I want.


All we can do is conquer ourselves.


It is a battle that I have been struggling with throughout the eighteen years of my "problematic" existence.


I hope in 2005, I'd get to outwit, outplay and outlast myself.


Happy New Year Everyone.

godmothering myself

I went to Church this morning. It's not because I actually "went to Church." I had to attend the baptismal rites of one of my mother's relatives (I'm still confused why they are related to each other). They chose me to the godmother. Wow, do I feel getting older every single day?

Eitherway, it wasn't my first time to be some child's godmother. It was already my second, but I wasn't (or didn't, can't remember) able to attend the first one. So literally, this is the one chance I'd get to experience the rites and endless picture-takings with the baby.

It was sort of distorted. I can't think of any other words to say. The truth is, I'm not that confident of myself whenever I'm around relatives of both sides of the family. Maybe it's because of my black-sheep-second-child-rebellious-tude-syndrome that had been haunting me since I had the mind to think of such "insecurities." To get to the point, I need to prove myself in front of our relatives so that my parents would be "proud" of me, or at least be "worthy to be their own." Well, I guess this is just the pathetic side of me speaking here.

Enough of the family stuff. Too much drama could kill somebody.

Again, in relation to the syndrome I've been dealing with, I was really hit hard awhile ago when people kept on asking about the course I've been taking up.

"Iha, saan ka nag-aaral?"

"Sa Los Banos po. Sa UP."

"Aah. Anong kurso ang kinukuha mo?"

"Communication Arts po."

"Ay ganoon. Ano yun?"

"Anu po..."(interrupted)

"Parang MassCom ganun ba?"

"Opo, parang ganun po pero meron siyang mas specialized fields tulad ng writing etc."

"Okay." (stops conversing)

Whenever I was asked about my course, I always get this feeling that no people would want to know more about it. Unlike if I'd take up Nursing, or Engineering, people would be engaged with what you do. I don't know, if it is I who had the problem or the whole world had just gone completely cruel.

I would be a hypocrite if I'd say that at times, I have certain doubts about the path I've chosen. Especially now. But still, I love what I do though my affection for it is slowly deteriorating due to such "social issues." I love it. That's the bottom point.

I would definitely long for the feeling whenever I'm writing. It is not only my passion, but what I want to be.

I love myself more whenever I'd get to be a different person whenever I write.

I know more of myself because of it. Soul-searching ito sa akin, ika nga.

Whenever I get to hear such feedbacks, even from the campus that I had learned to love, it worries me. What if people don't understand? What if I become worthless someday? Does it mean I made the wrong decision?

I want my parents, as well as my relatives, to be proud of me because of what I am. And what I chose to be. I don't want to end up as a nobody. And I think everyone had thought about this too.

It's hard being a purebeef. But I am one. And I'm glad to be.

This week totally changed my priorities. From now on, I'd like to get rich.

So that I could have my life under my fingertips.

So that I could have my cousins attend college.

So that I could buy Tops pieces of jewelry.

So that I could repay my brother for simply being him.

So that I could make my friends and the people I love happy.

So that I could have power, and do change unlike the others (Go Oprah!)

So that I could be of worth to them. All of them.

I used to believe money isn't the answer. It is not. But it is a part of it.

I will be a good godmother to Trisha.

*I'd do a posting about Christmas day when I'm already in the mood.

fpj : funeral, politics, junk

SO, Christmas is finally coming (later actually). But before I give my thoughts on the holidays, I'd like to contemplate first on a few things that happened this past week.

Fernando Poe, Jr. or FPJ for short, had been one of the pillars of the Philippine film industry. He's been named the "Da King of Action Movies." His stardom rose during the era in which I haven't been born; all I know was that he's a great action star, as what most of the folks would say. Basing upon the past movies that I've seen, like doing his ultra-magnetic punches or head-banging head knocks andhaving duets with Ate Shawi or Juday, I don't see him as a great actor. But still, I have a great respect for the man. I am not in the position to ridicule his whole perosnality simply because I think he acts bad.

He died last (or two I think) weeks ago. It was a sudden death. I just learned about it after my class in SPCM 104, which was about 8 in the morning. I didn't cry hysterically or anything like that. Who could blame me? I am not a big fan of the guy, but I felt pity for his family because everything went very fast. It's hard to recuperate on such series of events. One time you're in coma, and the next thing you're dead. Talk about harsh realities of life.

Okay, back to FPJ. I never intended to watch any of his tributes, or his funeral coz I know that a lot of politics will be brought up in those things. And I would just end up pissed off by it. Since I have great "compassion for humanity," my mother asked me to record ot for her and our relatives so that they could watch it once she got home (btw, she's in the US). So, I'd have to bear with the ordeal of watching FPJ's final rites.

And I wasn't wrong about it. I was really so damn pissed off at how people could be so opportunistic. Or maybe I am so mad at how rotten politics could be here in the Philippines.

During the Eulogy, Richard Gomez called FPJ "my President." A film director ( I forgot his name, but I'll replace this if I remembered it) said he was "the hope of the nation," and now it's gone. Even Erap seems to still have hang-ups of him being thrown off his presidency. He kept on reiterating that his position was stolen from him, while FPJ was stolen of a victory. Such a crybaby wanting to get his lollipop back.

Even at the North Cemetery, what really blew me off was actor Nino Muhlach, who was blabbering all over the place, saying "Igalang po nating ang ating Pangulo...Pangulong FPJ..." While doing the rites, people kept on shouting "FPJ! FPJ!" Poor Susan, can't her husband just have an ounce of peace at his last rest? Can't just people stop using the moment for their own political motives?

I am not saying it's not "politically correct" to be bitter about losing the elections. But can't they just face the fact that FPJ actually lost the elections, that's the end of the story. Why don't we just move on with our lives and instead of initiating rebellion amongst the people, start helping this country progress instead of regress?

Leche, hindi niyo ba nakikita na hirap na hirap na ang Pilipinas? Lalo lang kayong dumadagdag sa problema. Anong magagawa natin, patay na si FPJ. Kung gusto ninyong ipagpatuloy ang laban niya, help build this nation. Kahit na maka-EDSA 24 pa tayo, lalo lang mababaon ang Pilipinas. Change doesn't necessarily mean you start from scratch most of the time. It doesn't always conclude that EDSA revolutions would always cleanse us.

Change could mean that we could start from what is left right in front of us.

On the other hand, I admire PGMA's ability to restrain herself from all these *Kahit na drowingan pa ng sungay yung mukha niya, hindi siya napikon. Leche, kapag ako yun ewan ko na lang. Sino bang tao ang gustong bastusin ang litrato niya?* However, my friend texted me that "screw Gloria" because she became so paranoid about the whole situation; putting baracades all over the palace. And I partly agree with it.

So, what is the point of FPJ's death? It only proved how chaotic Philippines is. Every solution to a single problem leads to another. Now, how can we progress? Nope, the question is: Are we still going to? (I proposed genocide, perhaps.)

I don't know. Maybe it's cliche for me to say that change is within our hands. But it is what should really happen.

FPJ doesn't have all the solutions. Nor does PGMA.

We have it.

When would we all start to see that?

Note: The author has no intention of disgracing the reputations of the people mentioned within the text. These are only based on my opinions, you don't have to file a lawsuit against me. I'm eighteen for God's sake, I don't have the money to get even a lawyer. Spare me.

who wants a piece of the wedding cake?

i know i don't.

Friends often "condemn" me for saying that I don't want to get married someday. They would always insist that I'll get to eat my words someday. Maybe my idea of the word "marriage" in my life became too harsh, but still I remain with what I believe I want for my life in the future.

In my HUM1 class, we were discussing this story by Gaiman about reality, and altered life inside reality. Our professor asked the class who doesn't want to get married someday. I was a bit hesitant to raise my hand because I definitely wouldn't want to get mobbed by the whole class, or be bombarded by tons of questions and arguments about what I think. Good to say that there where actually two of us, and no shots were fired after we've voiced out our opinions on the marriage thing (actually, we didn't get to talk, we simply raised our hands; isn't that a part of it?). Anyways, our professor respected our decision and asked the rest of the class to make a journal about their dream wedding with all the details. While for both of us, he turned the situation into us being pushed into the marriage against our will. Or something like it (papansin talaga haha).

I woke up at 6 in the morning to do this assignment which was a 10am class (no offense to my prof, but I really get to work my mind whenever I'm pressured. The words just kept on flowing although there are few grammatical errors on the way) Here's the edited version of my journal in HUM1.

It is about marriage, the word that isn't a part of my plans ever *utang na loob, huwag naman sana ako tamaan ng kidlat. At pag nag-asawa ako balang araw, huwag ninyo naman ako isumpa hehe*

"Kasal sa Sampung Araw"

Bakla siya. Babae ako. At ikakasal kami.

Simula pa noong kolehiyo kami naging magkaibigan ni >>>>> (hindi niya tunay na pangalan). At sa una naming pagkikita, alam na namin sa isa't-isang kapwa lalaki ang hanap namin. Kung tutuusin, mas babae pa siya kaysa sa akin. Nagkaroon na siya ng dalawang "fafa" na halos tumagal ng tatlong taon ang relasyon sa isa't-isa. Habang ako, kumbaga sa isang laro, kulelat na lang parati pagdating sa mga ganyang uri ng bagay.

Nagtatrabaho bilang isang PR Consultant sa malaking Cosmetics company si >>>>>. Ako naman, magpasahanggang ngayo'y wala pa ring permanenteng direksyon sa buhay. Di na mabilang ang paglipat ko ng mga pahayagan ng diyaryo at mga "teeny bopper magazines" (alam kong sa pelikula lang ginagamit yun, pero nakakaaliw ang salita kaya't pagbigyan niyo na ako); sa pag-asang masustentuhan ko ang aking mga magulang sa pagiging isang manunulat. Isang umaga, nakatanggap ng tawag si >>>>> mula sa kanilang probinsya. Yumao na ang kanyang lolo-sa-tuhod, at nag-iwan ito ng importanteng mensahe para sa kanya.

Ang akala ko'y sa pelikula lamang nangyayari ang naganap kay >>>>. "Cliche" mang maituturing sa isang istorya, subalit aabot sa milyon ang nais ipamana ng lolo-sa-tuhod ni >>>> sa kanya. Kaya lamang, kailangan niyang sumunod sa kasunduang magpakasal sa isang di umano'y disenteng dalaga. Sampung araw ang palugit. Alam sa buong pamilya ni >>>>> ang pinili nitong kasarian, ngunit hindi naging maaliwalas ang pagtanggap nila rito. Gagawin nila ang lahat ng paraan, gaano man kadesperado ito, basta't "maituwid lamang siya sa tama."

Marahil maaari na ninyong pagtagpiin mula rito ang mga pangyayari. Noong una, hindi ko rin nais pumayag. Subalit walang kahihinatnan ang aking pagsusulat. Ika nga ni Jesus Santiago:

"Kung ang tula ay isa lamang pumpon ng mga salita,

nanaisin ko pang ako'y bigyan ng isang taling kangkong..."

Naging mabilis ang pag-aayos ng kasal. At halos bawat araw ay magkasama kami ni >>>>> at tila ginagawang biro ang lahat:

Unang Araw: Dumating ang kaibigang "weddign planner ni >>>>. Pinagkakatuwaan pa namin ito dahil sa kakaibang pagsasalita niya. Nagpipilit "magpaka-French," kumbaga.

Ikalawang Araw: Wala naman akong magagawa, ngunit bakit sa lahat ng kulay ay fuschia pa ang pinili niyang motif ng kasal. Pinipilit ko siyang baguhin ito ngunit mukhang seryoso ang loko. Sa katapusan, gold ang napagkasunduan namin. Nais raw niya iyong kasal nina Ara at Christian sa "Sana'y Wala nang Wakas."

Ikatlong Araw: Hindi ko rin inaakalang magpapakasal kami sa simbahan. Wala sa kanyang itsura ang ganoon; mas inaasahan kong sa garden o island ang kasal. Ngunit ninais ni >>>>> na ikasal kami sa simbahan kung saan ikinasal din ang kanyang mga magulang. Sa Agus... hindi San Ped... Ay! Kung anumang santo iyon, basta't simbahan. Nilibot namin ang lugar habang ikinukwento niya sa akin kung paano nagkakilala ang kanyang mga magulang. "Nirere-enact" nga namin ang mga pangyayari.

Ika-apat na Araw: Pumunta kami ni >>>>> sa isang "flower shop" para sa mga ilalagay na dekorasyon. Kaya lang, mukhang wala na kaming ibang mapili dahil labis na nakakaakit ang mga rosas na "fink" ang kulay, ika nga ni >>>>>. Hinahawi niya ang aking buhok upang ilagay ang bulaklak sa aking tenga, makatapos ay tititigan niya ako.

Ika-limang Araw: Trahe de Boda. Si >>>>> ang pumili ng aking susuotin. Sa totoo lang, habang nagsusukat ako'y siya ang pinapatiging ko kung bagay ba ang damit sa akin. Hindi ko malilimutan ang sinabi niya, "Don't worry, you deserve the best. You're beautiful. You look like a goddes no matter what gown you wear."

Ika-anim na Araw: Niloloko ko si >>>>> kung bakit ayaw na lamang niya ng fishballs at kikiam para sa appetizer, o di kaya'y ang siomai ng Papu's para sa main course. Ngunit sa tingin ko'y mas pipiliin na lamang namin ang mga handa sa lagi naming kinakainan tuwing magkikita kami, kina Aling Nena. Sa kanya na lamang kami magpapa-cater.

Ika-pitong Araw: Isinukat ni >>>>> ang kanyang damit. Lalaking-lalaki ang dating niya. Sana'y hindi na siya nagpalit pa.

Ika-walong Araw: Ipinamudmod na namin ang mga imbitasyon. Mala-"forest" ang tema nito, na umaayon naman sa motif. Tinititigan ko siya. Kapwa kami tahimik habang isinusulat ang mga pangalan sa imbitasyon.

Ika-siyam na Araw: Isang araw na lamang bago ang kasal. Pinagmamasdan ko ang trahe de boda; nag-iisip, "Paano kung naging totoo na lamang ang lahat?"

Ang Araw ng Kasal:

Hindi sumipot si >>>>>.

Naramdaman ko ang mainit-init, maalat na tubig na dumadaloy sa aking pisngi.

Bakla siya. Babae ako. Ikakasal sana kami.

At mahal ko siya.

originally written: 01 December 2004, 6 am

too much wind

gotta hide people

So, this would be my third post about this topic. My first two attempts obviously failed; one, because I wasn't in the mood to blab about my life and second, I was about to post it but the brownout totally ruined my day inside the computer shop.



Here I am at the Abode, surfing the net together with my two great friends here in LB, Quel and Caty. Outside, I can hear the wind whistling. I can already feel the presence of Yoyong; seems like the end of the world is near. I didn't plan to be outside right now, especially that branches of trees would definitely be flying outside this computer shop. But then, I have no choice. There's no electricity and water in the dorm. I am planning to sleep somewhere else, even if the whole campus has no electricity. I'd feel more safe in the comfort of my friends.





It's Thursday today. And I hate my T-TH class, or let me rephrase that. I hate myself during my T-TH class. My schedule goes from 7 in the morning until 2:30 in the afternoon, having an hour and a half breaks in between three classes. Unfortunately, this past few weeks I had been late in my 7 o'clock class, which was SPCM 104. Well, most of the time, I blame the (to quote Rica) "third world" dorm that I live in since it's been a cause of my misery.






The water crisis there leaves me grumpy every morning, I wake up at about 5:30 in the morning to prepare myself for the long line of women in the bathroom. But most of the time, I end up taking a bath at about 6:20, since not even a single drop of water drops from the faucet or shower. It's either I choose to wait longer if there's hope of having water before my class, or take the "burden" of fetching a pail of water. Well, I wouldn't say that fetching water downstairs is really a burden. But if your room is situated 44+ steps away from the faucet, then going back and forth would definitely ruin your morning. I guess I'm just lucky that I haven't spilled the whole bucket of water while going upstairs. If that would happen, I would mostly end up cursing myself.






This water crisis made me lost a True or False, 10x2-point quiz in SPCM 104. And I was only five minutes late. Actually, if I haven't decided to start this semester right then I would just laugh this one off and ty harder next time. But then, I try really hard to pull up my grades and since my MATH11 class isn't doing pretty well either, I guess I'd have to live with the thinking that this semester won't work for me. Though I partly share a guilt with the water thing because I could just save a bucket of water the night before my class so that I wouldn't worry about it anymore. However, water runs out at 8pm. And I am not yet at the dorm during those times because of the constant "nightouts" that I do.






While the other university students, including other UP branches are somewhat celebrating the suspension of their classes, LB students have to deal with the fact that classes will NEVER EVER BE SUSPENDED here (like the whole day). And I mean it. After I felt so dumb in my MATH11 class (I kept asking myself in class, "What is it that I keep on doing wrong with all these damn equations?"), we went to Osworld (Irvs' pod) to grab some lunch. While eating a piece of beefsteak or two, the power went out and we were left in the darkness tryin' to figure out if the plate we are eating from is ours. Good heavens that the window sills upstairs shed rays of light into the kitchen. It was much fun to have lunch in the dark. Just laugh it off.






We thought that we were already late for our 1 o'clock class. I felt eerie, maybe it was because the colds and cough were finally taking over me. I felt like a fever was igniting within me. After five minutes after the time, our professor texted our classmate proclaiming that classes were FINALLY supended in the afternoon. At last, our Chancellor finally saw from his window a big tree topple over the street! People say that's how "they" declare suspension of classes here.






I went to "arguably sexy" (Gavarra, Jay Nelson.SPCM 102 class:2004 :P) Alex's room in Wisma to talk about certain things and finally see her "celebrity" roommates. Sexy, thanks for listening. Of all people, I never expected that I could actually talk to you about certain things in life. And to your roommates, thanks for the warm welcome. Natuwa talaga ako sa pagtambay ko dyan.






Irvin finally arrived at the Abode.






I can see his shadow cast upon the venetian blinds by my side. Quel, as usual, was making incessant comments about what she surfs, making us laugh inside the computer shop. I'll try to visit purebeef.tk later to see the changes she had done. I hope the L.a.y.b. people would understand why I haven't done any updates, changes and renovations in the blog. I hope that I could be aware of what might be happening back in our home, and how much this storm had taken lives. I hope that I could help, but here I am typing in this blog a self-centered post.






Then, I felt eerie.







The wind outside whistled again.






Yoyong's coming, I know it. I want to hide under the table to feel more safe.






But for now, I'll just let the venetian blinds of the shop protect me from seeing what's happening outside.






Hindi ka bulag. Natatakot lang siguro ako.