20 and... what?

I woke up Saturday morning, it was the 4th of February. I wasn't able to sleep well the night before, my heart kept on thumping really fast. I felt so restless. My mind won't stop thinking that I would shake my head hoping that it would at least stop, just for a moment, from thinking too much.

I know it wasn't the feeling of excitement at all. I was problematic. Oh and yeah, I forgot, it was my birthday that morning. But I didn't feel like celebrating at all. Like the nights before, I hoped that day the Supreme Being will spare me from waking up and getting off from bed. Or at least, I just hope I won't make that single phone call that morning - the call that's been giving me all these jitters that I haven't felt every Friday when I was in 3rd year highschool (which is another story I won't even bother to tell).

I had to turn down the job. The location where I was assigned is too far from where I live from. Well, I could live up to that detail since I've studied far from home. If distance was a problem, then I wouldn't have continued studying in Los Banos. But then, Arizona's not Los Banos.

My father and I drove to Shea Blvd. in order to have a glimpse of where I will be working. The drive took us about 45 minutes to an hour. When we arrived there, my jaw dropped when I saw the company I was supposed to work for. It wasn't a single large building, but put an -sss at the end of the b-word and you'll see large structures surrounding you. I felt nervous, but at the same time excited as well. Wow. I just hope I have something in my closet to wear for this kind of work.

My father immediately dropped the bomb as we were going back home. Yes, it was too far. I know. And he kept on repeating the same thing when we went home. Again, I said, "I know." To add to the pressure, I had problems with the bus routes within the location. Yah, just keep all the problems coming...

There was the opportunity. The past nights of talking on the phone, reviewing my resume, preparing myself for the interview: I've finished the whole process and all I have to do was to look for slacks for the business casual attire, and then go to work by Monday (which was another thing I'm nervous about).

But then, that morning I saw myself back again to where I started: a "professional bum;" a useless, jobless 20-year old woman (woman...yah right :p).

I don't even know why I was so devastated that day. Maybe, all the frustrations that I've been feeling about myself for the past weeks accumulated and it bursted, and I dragged myself down.

Or maybe, simply because I know for myself that I am much better than this. That I could do greater things than the situation I am currently in.

And yes, I was scared. I was afraid that my life had no direction for the past months. I thought that for a fact I won't be graduating on time; I'll be 22 then (I'll be spending my next 1 1/2 semesters alone because all my friends and batchmates won't be around anymore :( Back then, I had a glimpse of what my life would be like after I graduated from college. But all of it seems too vague to me now that I can't picture myself anymore for the following years.

And I thought, if nothing else happened in my six-month stay here in Arizona, then I just wasted all those time. My life is retrograding. I can't be satisfied with that, and I don't want my body to get used to that kind of lifestyle.

After a few times that I called my employer, explaining the situation and the problems that I had (Thank you very much Mr. Jeff for your help and your understanding :), I hung up the phone and sat in my bed for awhile.

What should I do now?

Well, I celebrated my birthday with my family. For a while, I tried to forget the jitters I felt that morning. We went out to eat lunch, and my Mom cooked pansit to "induce" us with a longer life ;)

After merienda time, I felt much better. It could be because a mother's cooking is a great remedy for a child's wounded heart (Yes, I think that my mother could cure me - whether it's physical or emotional pain - just by her touch, her hug or the food she prepared. But I don't want her to know that coz I don't want her to think I'm that vulnerable hehe).

And a surprise letter/card from my dear friend Alex arrived in the mail. I really didn't expect it (at magaling ang timing niya dahil saktong araw dumating ang sulat hehe :) It really made me smile on that one special day that I get to celebrate every year. Thank you so much sis.

Lastly, I really admire the people who didn't forget my birthday, that they would take the time to greet me even if I usually forgot theirs. And I appreciate those who knew about it days after and still made the move to send their warmest thoughts (Neng! Salamat ng marami sa e-card! ;)

It made me forget. And I moved on with the day knowing that everything's still going to be alright. :) (Thank you)

I surfed the net that Saturday night, and I laughed at my daily horoscope at friendster.com (which is becoming a ritual for me. Now, is that a good thing, or a bad one? ;)...

The Bottom Line
Being bored is a rare sensation -- enjoy it while it lasts. Busier days are coming.

In Detail
You've been looking at your life lately and wondering if it's at all the way you want it to be. If you're not sure anymore, you have options. You can either seek out a realtor in the city or state of your choice, or you can start flipping through the atlas to find a country you might like to get to know better for a couple of years. Less drastic? Redecorate. 'Create' an entirely new home right where you are.

Yah right. So I guess, I'll just have to enjoy being jobless for awhile. :)

Oh, I just need to note something: A Courtesy Clerk at a grocery store really made my day hehe. I guess I'll be back there every once in a while from now on :)

Since I'm already 20, I have a new motto in life (Goodbye to my elementary motto: You've got the power. Using it is up to you. Haha ang corny!) And honestly, it's really helping me a lot :

"When you want something you never had, you have to do something you've never done. We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are."

Reflect on it. For me, it's worth keeping in mind.