answers from the ceiling

Dahil hindi pa ako nakakagawa nang panibagong post sa matagal na panahon, naghalungkat ako sa aking mga papers na isi-nubmit nitong College para i-post dito hehe. Mag-recycle daw ba? Hindi naman. Tutal, professor ko lang at ako ang nakakabasa ng mga papers na ito so why don't I share it kahit papaano.

In short, tinatamad ako gumawa ng bagong post so eto na muna. Hehe.

Answers from the Ceiling

08.09.2004 PHLO 1

Lying on bed in the dormitory, I stared endlessly at the ceiling, not noticing that a spider was carefully knitting his cobwebs on it.

Thomas Nagel's, "The Absurd" was a very timely reading for me. Starting out the second year of my college life actually led me to think that everything I do now is actually absurd. After I’ve graduated from college, I would start again from scratch, end up jobless just like the others and become an additive to the statistics of the unemployed here in the Philippines. It is actually degrading to think about it. Why am I studying anyway? Why can’t I just enjoy my life since I could only have one, or either way make the most out of it? All of these that I’ve been working hard for the whole eighteen years of my life would end up useless from the moment I die. And so, I find myself perceiving life as somewhat cynical; and it scares me.

The reading in certain ways altered my perspective about the absurdity of life. Though it sounds a bit hypocrite of me to say that, but it actually did. Nagel cited that "the absurdity of our situation derives not from a collision between our expectations and the world, but from a collision within ourselves." From my own understanding, humans indeed make their lives too complicated. That is why we see life meaningless, because we tend to be demanding of how we should make both ends of our lives meet. People, at times, have the inclination to create problems, or in common terms "gumawa ng sariling problema na hindi naman kailangang problemahin." The absurdity of our lives doesn’t merely depend on the world’s response to us, rather we have different "self-conflicts" that we need to realize in order to see the real sense of our lives.

Moreover, Nagel emphasized the capacity of man for self-consciousness, which made me think to be amazed of my being, as well as my life, instead of totally cursing it. Using as an example the life of a mouse being not absurd made everything put into perspective. Contemplating on how I would want to live my life is an idea that I have neglected; I should consider myself lucky for I am able to see myself deeper, and make something out of me. Although the mere contemplation of ourselves is a root of why people started to think life is absurd, such thought would not even exist without our capability for self-consciousness and awareness. Similar to what the author mentioned, "…absurdity is one of the most human things about us: a manifestation of our most advanced and interesting characteristics." To this, I believe it is a truce.

So, here I am again staring at the ceiling. I carefully watched the spider as it adds "finishing touches" to its cobwebs. I may have seen life absurd…Or in many ways a bit monotonous, too. But then, what if I was a spider? Wouldn’t my life become even more monotonous? More or less, I think I should settle for what I have now. Grudging about the sense of life won’t make it any better. It would do more good if I’ll snap out of it now, before the consciousness of my self transforms into a destruction of it.