godmothering myself

I went to Church this morning. It's not because I actually "went to Church." I had to attend the baptismal rites of one of my mother's relatives (I'm still confused why they are related to each other). They chose me to the godmother. Wow, do I feel getting older every single day?

Eitherway, it wasn't my first time to be some child's godmother. It was already my second, but I wasn't (or didn't, can't remember) able to attend the first one. So literally, this is the one chance I'd get to experience the rites and endless picture-takings with the baby.

It was sort of distorted. I can't think of any other words to say. The truth is, I'm not that confident of myself whenever I'm around relatives of both sides of the family. Maybe it's because of my black-sheep-second-child-rebellious-tude-syndrome that had been haunting me since I had the mind to think of such "insecurities." To get to the point, I need to prove myself in front of our relatives so that my parents would be "proud" of me, or at least be "worthy to be their own." Well, I guess this is just the pathetic side of me speaking here.

Enough of the family stuff. Too much drama could kill somebody.

Again, in relation to the syndrome I've been dealing with, I was really hit hard awhile ago when people kept on asking about the course I've been taking up.

"Iha, saan ka nag-aaral?"

"Sa Los Banos po. Sa UP."

"Aah. Anong kurso ang kinukuha mo?"

"Communication Arts po."

"Ay ganoon. Ano yun?"

"Anu po..."(interrupted)

"Parang MassCom ganun ba?"

"Opo, parang ganun po pero meron siyang mas specialized fields tulad ng writing etc."

"Okay." (stops conversing)

Whenever I was asked about my course, I always get this feeling that no people would want to know more about it. Unlike if I'd take up Nursing, or Engineering, people would be engaged with what you do. I don't know, if it is I who had the problem or the whole world had just gone completely cruel.

I would be a hypocrite if I'd say that at times, I have certain doubts about the path I've chosen. Especially now. But still, I love what I do though my affection for it is slowly deteriorating due to such "social issues." I love it. That's the bottom point.

I would definitely long for the feeling whenever I'm writing. It is not only my passion, but what I want to be.

I love myself more whenever I'd get to be a different person whenever I write.

I know more of myself because of it. Soul-searching ito sa akin, ika nga.

Whenever I get to hear such feedbacks, even from the campus that I had learned to love, it worries me. What if people don't understand? What if I become worthless someday? Does it mean I made the wrong decision?

I want my parents, as well as my relatives, to be proud of me because of what I am. And what I chose to be. I don't want to end up as a nobody. And I think everyone had thought about this too.

It's hard being a purebeef. But I am one. And I'm glad to be.

This week totally changed my priorities. From now on, I'd like to get rich.

So that I could have my life under my fingertips.

So that I could have my cousins attend college.

So that I could buy Tops pieces of jewelry.

So that I could repay my brother for simply being him.

So that I could make my friends and the people I love happy.

So that I could have power, and do change unlike the others (Go Oprah!)

So that I could be of worth to them. All of them.

I used to believe money isn't the answer. It is not. But it is a part of it.

I will be a good godmother to Trisha.

*I'd do a posting about Christmas day when I'm already in the mood.