tumatakbo ang oras, literally.
I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to pretend that everything is going alright, when in fact, everything's changing for the worse.
Maybe, I am just starting to get paranoid of how I live my life right now. Practically, I am throwing away my second year in College. If I'd tell this to my friends, they won't probably believe me. I can't say it's true, but for me, that's what is currently happening to me right now.
I hate it whenever I go home the dorm at about past 10 p.m. simply because I can't control myself from having fun. That had been my routine for the past 3 months that I've been in school. Actually, I'm already like a bedspacer there. Whenever I come home from the endless roaming around the Grove, I immediately go to bed acting as if I have no assignments, or responsibilities to handle the next day.
(Note: I am not blaming anyone for these, I know it's my fault. I didn't intend to have someone responsible for my actions. )
I hate it whenever I get contented of looking at the blue books, and seeing my grade as either passing or failing. Damn! Why am I letting this happen? The truth is, I have already failed 2 of my exams, while three of them were almost hanging by a point or two. Others were good, well having at least 12-20 mistakes, you could truly consider that! Damn! I don't want to curse here or anything, but it's just so hard to wake myself up from this "deceiving nirvana" that I am floating into. I want to get out from it but I'm letting myself caught up with such damnation.
I hate it when I only have two of my classes that I had a complete attendance. Well, I am not saying that it's bad to absent yourself from class. Nevertheless, I skipped classes for the worthless reasons. I pretty lost everything that I had invested during my first year here in Los Banos.
I hate it whenever I come home here in Q.C. and do nothing but rest, surf the net and just plan to do my homework at about 12 a.m. during Mondays (knowing that I'd still have to wake up at 4 to travel back to Laguna. Actually, I don't sleep anymore). I pretty much cram about all of it.
It's just so frustrating to letting myself be dragged down by the usual belief that "...ganyan talaga, pag sophomore mawawala na gana mo sa pag-aaral. Natural lang yan" I don't want to be like that! I don't want to go with the flow, and make the same mistakes that I did during my highschool years! I want to get out of "leaving" life, and instead, I want to be "living" my life as what it's supposed to be.
I don't want to join the bandwagon anymore. I am hopin' of talking to someone to get my mind into that right perspective. But until then, there's no one else to help me but myself. I'm tired of lying to my parents that everything's doing fine in Los Banos. I guess I'll just have to wait until they'd see my classcards before they'd get to realize what's really happening.
Or either way, I shouldn't wait for that to happen.
And instead of writing this blog at this moment, I should have been starting with the tons of papers I have to make.
Damn.
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