11.09.2002

This was a writing exercise we made during our LAYB facilitators workshop. LAYB is the pseudo-organization I was, or am, a part of back in college. Sir Dums and Sir Aguinaldo would give us these topics that we could write about and probably evolve them into poems or maybe short stories, although our workshop mainly concentrates on poems. Those were the good, and hope not gone, writing days of my life.

This is for my Ninang Betty. Today is her death anniversary. It's been years now, but I guess there are just some things you can't let go and can't stop yourself from looking back at.

We were asked to write about this topic:

"Place na maire-relate mo sa taong nawala / namatay sa buhay mo..."

Hindi ko nakikita ang beach o dalampasigan noon bilang lugar na palaging pinag-shu-shootingan ng mga pelikulang mala-Bagets o di kaya'y Oki Doki Doc, o Home Along Da Riles. Walang mga tineydyer na lalaking sumasayaw sa tugtog ng "Buttercup" o di kaya'y nagpapasa-pasahan ng makulay na beach ball. Walang back-up dancers na nagso-somersault sa swimming pool.

Ikaw lang ang nakikita ko. Hinahabol ang isang limang-taong gulang na batang naka-pink na swimsuit. Hahabulin mo siya sa tubig, kahit pa mabasa ang paborito mong jeans. Baka kasi malunod ang mataray mong pamangkin.

Aakayin mo siya mula sa tubig at bubuo kayo ng mga kastilyong buhangin. Di kalayuan, ihahanda ng iba pa ang adobong ulam at mga chichiryang galing sa tindahan ni Aling Mylene. Mula alas-siyete ng umaga'y hindi kayo magsasawang magtampisaw, kahit masunog pa ang balat pagdating ng alas-dose.

Subalit tulad ng sunburn, nawawala din ito; natutuklap ang balat at napapalitan ng bago. Mula sa gulang na lima, at ngayo'y disinueve na ako, wala ka na sa tabi ko. Natuklap ka mula sa isang buhay, sa aking pagkabatang iyong pinuno. Ang buhangin ng iyong buhay ay inanod na ng maalat na dagat ng kanser.

Nami-miss na kita Ninang Betty.

the boo's coming

Since it's gonna ba Halloween in just a few days, I saw this thing on the Yahoo! Homepage and it seemed interesting so I checked it out. In case your getting too old on the usual "Magandang Gabi Bayan" Halloween Specials, or ghost hunting is just too scary for you, you may just indulge yourself with the Halloween spirit by watching these videos that Yahoo! proclaims to be the spookiest ones around.

I have watched the top one on the list and I can tell you, it's not even that scary at all. It's just gory. Haha. Sorry for the spoiler.

Happy Halloween! Boo!

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From yahoo.com Link here => http://music.yahoo.com/promos/halloween/?pvc=0

Michael Jackson's "Thriller" may be scary stuff...but you ain't seen nothing yet! These vile videos are horrifying enough to give you nightmares until Halloween 2007. Brace yourself for Y! Music'sTOP 25 SPOOKIEST VIDEOS, and remember--in cyberspace, no one can hear you scream...

1. Skinny Puppy - "Worlock"

2. Tool - "Sober"

3. Nine Inch Nails - "Closer"

4. Marilyn Manson - "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)"

5. Queens Of The Stone Age - "Burn The Witch"

6. Daft Punk - "Prime Time Of Your Life"

7. Cradle Of Filth - "Born In A Burial Gown"

8. Slipknot - "Spit It Out"

9. Anthrax - "What Doesn't Die"
10. Six Feet Under - "Shadow Of The Reaper"

11. Michael Jackson - "Thriller"

12. The Killers - "Bones"

13. Rob Zombie - "Dragula"

14. The Misfits - "Dig Up Her Bones"

15. Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - "She Said"

16. Mudvayne - "Forget To Remember"

17. Ozzy Osbourne - "Bark At The Moon"

18. Gwar - "School's Out"
19. Godsmack - "Voodoo"

20. Nevermore - "Enemies Of Reality"

21. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - "Y Control"

22. Primal Scream - "Miss Lucifer"

23. Billy Idol - "White Wedding"

24. Rocket From The Crypt - "Born In '69"

25. TV On The Radio - "Wolf Like Me"

today, i feel like carrie on her 35th birthday

I can't find the exact lines that Carrie from Sex and the City said when they were in the cafe during her 35th birthday. If any of you gets to find it, I'd appreciate it a lot ;)

Meanwhile, these are some of the quotes I found from Sex and the City that I find very relatable this moment. I could have posted more but my neck hurts from work (and I can't even believe I still get to face the computer when I get home. Like I can't get enough :)

Reflect.

"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you are to become who you will be."

"Why do we let the one thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we do have? Why does one-minus-a-plus-one feel like it adds up to zero? "

one more shot

Kailan ba ako huling nagsulat? Antagal na. Hindi ko na maalala. Wala na ang mga tulang gumigising sa akin sa gitna ng gabi. Wala na ang mga karakter na gustong mabuhay sa papel. Wala na ang kamay na nais humawak ng lapis. Wala na ang damdaming nanaig tuwing nagsusulat - ang pagiging "ibang tao."

Nais kong makadama ulit. Kailan nga ba ako huling nagsulat? Kailan ang huling pagkakataon na inismidan ko ang tawag ng pumupungay na mga mata sa antok, o ang pagbatok ng kalamnan? Hindi ko na maalala. Nakakatakot. Madalas, kapag hindi mo na naaalala ang isang bagay, nawawalan na ito ng halaga para sa iyo.

Nais kong hindi makalimot. Dahil walang kinabukasan ang mga taong nakakaligta. Ayokong mawalan ng kinabukasan.

Kailan nga ba ako huling nagsulat? Nais kong uminog muli ang mundo ko sa pagsulat. Tulad ng pagmamahal, mahirap itong pakawalan. Tulad ng buhay, wala ako kung wala nito.

Sana'y kaya ko pang hilahin ang kamay kong nabaon sa hukay ng realidad. Na walang patutunguhan ang pagsusulat. Na ang lapis na nais kong mahawakan muli ay siya rin mismong kalis na uukab sa mga bagay na pinaniniwalaan ko sa sarili ko. Yun ang realidad.

Pero hindi yun ang realidad ko. Hindi yun ang kinabukasan ko.

Sana hindi ito ang huling pagkakataon. Sana sapat ang pagmamahal sa sining. Kahit na hindi.

cine lb '06 presents: INDIEmand

Cine LB '06 Screening Schedule

Sept 4 Monday>> Baryoke by Ron Bryant; Cinemalaya 2005 winner for Best Cinematography
>> Piroutte by Ma. Alina Co and Maria Lyn Punay; The 18th CCP Independent Film and Video Competition Honorable Mention

Sept 5 Tuesday>> Mudraks by Arah Jell Badayos and Margaret Guzman; Cinemalaya 2006 finalist, Full Length Category
>> Labada by Raz de la Torre; Cinemalaya 2006finalist, Short Films Category

Sept 6 Wednesday>> In da Red Corner by Dado Lumibao and Bong Ramos; Cinemalaya 2006 finalist, Full Length Films Category
>> No Passport Needed by Jeanne Lim and Pepe Diokno; Cinemalaya 2006 finalist, Short Films Category

Sept 7 Thursday>> Rotonda by Ron Bryant; Cinemalaya 2006 Winner for Best Director and Best Musical Score
>> Bulong sa Kawalan by Bobby Bonifacio, Jr.; ADMU's Dean's Award for Screen Arts Recipient

Php30/ticket7pmAnSci Lect Hall (Animal Husbandry)

-=UP Film Circle=-

hugging slip

Magpaalam ka muna bago mo ako yakapin.
Nais kong bilangin ang bawat segundo
Na lilipas sa pag-ugpong ng ating mga braso.
Gawing segundo ang minuto,
Ang minuto, oras
Upang linlangin ang sarili na matagal kitang kayakap.

Magpaalam ka muna bago mo ako yakapin.
Nais kong damhin ang init na sumisingaw sa iyong likod.
Isaulo ang bawat butong sa balat ay umuusli't kumakayod,
Bawat peklat, bawat pantal, maging ang iyong gulugod.
Upang sa susunod na magtagpong muli ang mga braso
Batid kong ikaw ang aking kayakap.

Magpaalam ka muna bago mo ako yakapin.
Hayaan munang magpahinga ang ating mga baba
Sa balikat ng isa't-isa.
Matagal din natin itong hindi nagagawa.
At nais ko pang alalahanin ang matamis na halimuyak
Ng buhok mong tila hinabi sa pulot-pukyutan.

Magpaalam ka muna bago mo ako yakapin.
Bigyan ng oras na maglapat ang ating mga anino,
Baka sakaling sa kanilang pagtatagpo
Hindi na naisin pang humiwalay at magkalayo.
Nais ko munang sanayin ang sarili na pagmasdan
Ang dalawang aninong pinag-isa sa pader.

Magpaalam ka muna bago mo ako yakapin.
Dahil nais kong ituring ang bawat pagkakataon
Bilang huli sa mga nauna.
Sa susunod, baka maglaho na ang salubong mong akap.
Ibang braso na ang sumasalo sa iyo,
At ibang balikat na rin ang inaasam ng iyong baba.

peanuts

"Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos."

~Charles M. Schultz

forgotten

"When a person finds someone whom they know they could be with forever, they start to forget the people who were with them when they were alone.

I guess it has always been my role. Being forgotten. But it doesn't matter how many times it happened. It still hurts the same way."

Another thing I learned in life just recently.

happy new line

"Cooperation is the thorough conviction that nobody can get there unless everybody gets there."
~Virginia Burden, The Process of Intuition

Pagkatapos nang mahaba-mahabang pasensya at pag-asa na mau-upload ang video na ito sa YouTube, sa wakas. Happy 2nd year Anniversary sa UP Film Circle's New Line Cinema Agency! I'm always proud of you my batchmates. Congratulations sa atin at sa UPFC na naging daan upang magkakilala tayo! ;)

for lola choleng...RIP

This particular song is for my Lola Choleng who died last Wednesday. When I was still young, she used to visit us in our home in Lagro and she would request me or my brother to sing or dance for her. I have sung and danced ato a lot of songs for her. Some of them I cannot even remember. But this song would always remind me of her. It was the last song I had for her long before puberty and the concept of "humiliation" had set in.

I know she is in good hands now, coz she was indeed a great person who never hesitated to help and to give, even if people whom she trusted turned their backs on her at the very end. She didn't deserve that, but I guess everything happens with a purpose. I hope you are within the bright lights now, Lola. Good luck on your journey.

World Youth Day Song
(composed by Trina Belamide)

For God so loved the world,
He gave us His only Son,
Jesus Christ our Saviour,
His Most Precious One.

He has sent us His message of love,
And sends those who hear,
To bring the message to everyone,
In a voice loud and clear.

Let us tell the world of His love,
The greatest love the world has known,
Search the world for those who have walked astray,
And lead them home.
Fill the world's darkest corners,
With His light from up above,
Walk every step, every mile, every road,
And tell the world,
Tell the world of His love.

own smallville struggle

It's too late to start all over again.

It's too late to find for that one thing that you think would make you satisfied about life and its monotony.

It's too late to give up on something you've held on for so long; something you've fought for 'coz you loved every minute of being 'just there.'

It's too late to realize, or maybe to stop procastinating the fact that it is not meant for you at all.

It's too late for everything you've worked hard for, or have you?

It's too late to change your path, coz you have nowhere else to go.

Yes, it's too late.

It's too late for me to give up on writing. But what if it gave up on me a long time ago, and I just can't see it?

Where has the passion gone?

The little voice inside me is in a coma, perhaps. Or was I just resuscitating it to fill the void - the fear of losing that firm grip on whom I thought I wanted to be.

Maybe it is true. I have a passion for writing, but I was NEVER a writer.

And it kills every hope that I have.

It's too late to lose something you've based your life upon.

And I hate being melodramatic. Because everyone is.

Remy Zero's "Save Me" is playing on the background.

Yes, somebody please save me.

truth hurts

Peyton's art. One Tree Hill. From onetreehill.zip.net

hike

She didn't want me to hold her hand anymore. She wanted to let me go.

So I did.

We have been seeing each other for two years. We met each other for the first time when she was taking a lunch break at the office, sitting all alone in the cafeteria. Not so romantic. Not the love-at-first-sight-type of thing. I sat down with her while she was reading a pocketbook on one hand and sipping a cup of hot cocoa on the other. I asked her if I could take a seat with her. She looked at me with those piercing eyes as if a monster would suddenly jolt out of her tiny body.

She looked around. She looked back at me. She smiled. Right then and there, I thought, a monster could never project a smile like that.

Since then, we started to talk. We started going out. Since both of us love hiking, that was what our first date was. I never thought, after seeing her in the cafeteria reading a John Devereaux pocketbook, that the likes of her would be involved in such a strenuous, yet boring hobby. But looks definitely can be deceiving.

We started hiking in the afternoon, around three o' clock since the dessert sun is not a good ally during daytime. We talked about a lot of things. From office work, to Jay Leno, music wherein we found out we both love Abba, CSI's shocking season finale wherein a short clip finally showed Grissom and Sarah having a relationship, to knowing where our families come from. We had so much fun that time finally ran out and it was already getting dark. Not good for hiking. We have decided to go to our separate cars and go home.

I don't know what came into me. As the sun was getting ready to take its rest, I saw a streak of its light beam on her face. She squinted her eyes. She looked at me and then smiled like that same curving of the lips I saw on her face in the cafeteria.

I felt the rush. I felt a burning sensation clouding inside me. I smiled back at her.
Then I ran towards her, grabbed her by the hips, and let her chest press onto mine. I kissed her passionately. The sun finally hid behind the mountains we have hiked, granting us the moment of our first kiss to be solely owned.

Two years have already passed and it's been going smoothly. Or at least, that's what I thought.

It was our anniversary. Like the usual celebrations that we had, we would celebrate it on that same mountain where we had our "firsts." I have prepared a small picnic for both of us by the end of our trek. We would simply walk around the paths of that mountain and talk and laugh like we do. Being with each other was enough. Nothing elaborate. No fancy dinners in restaurants. Just our plain selves goofing around. That was enough.

She stopped me halfway into the trek. She said she wanted to say something. She started things off by telling our story: how we've met, how our relationship had been so great for the past two years, yada yada yada. At first, I thought she is going to propose to me by the way that she talked.

I grabbed her by the hips. I let her chest rest onto mine. I asked her to get to the bottom line of what she wants to say while I played my nose on hers. She pushed me away. She lost her footing and slid down the edge of the mountain. Everything went so fast. It was fortunate that I was able to grab her hand. I held onto it tight. I could never let her go. Never.

I tried lifting her up but things start to crumble down whenever I'd try to. She was already in tears, "Please don't ever let me go, please." I held onto her. I told her I won't. I can't.

Then she stopped acting hysterical. She was still sobbing but the panic suddenly disappeared from her face. She stared at me while I was shouting for help and trying to hold onto her as much as I could. She said she is going to tell me something.

"I am having an affair with our boss."

I looked at her and my voice, shaking for the fear of losing her, was suddenly silenced.

"I am not happy with what we have anymore. I want to be with someone else, someone who dreams for more. I am sorry, honey. I am really really sorry. Please forgive me."

I looked at her. I stared at her hand that I was firmly holding at that time. She smiled back at me. The curving of her lips reminded me of that first smile she had when I saw her in the cafeteria.

I felt the rush again but it wasn't like the first time.

"Please no, don't let me go..."

She didn't want me to hold her hand anymore. She wanted to let me go. So I did.
And she plummeted five hundred feet deep into the crevices of the mountain.

Soon, the rush was gone. I felt cold. While standing at the edge of that mountain where the sun saw us kiss for the very first time, I thought... I will never go hiking again.

Well, sailing makes a great hobby don't you think?

thank the supreme being for melanie marquez

Thanks to Ate AnneGi for this post sa FC Y!Groups. Na-enjoy ko ito even if it contains the explicit bashing of Melanie Marquez. Hehe. Have fun.


MELANIE MARQUEZ BOO HOOS:

Guess what? Melanie Marquez is seriously thinking of writing her own book! Jonathan Chua (who is a STAR contributor) has compiled some Melanisms for inclusion in that much-awaited book. Enjoy!

>>>I won't stoop down to my level.

>>>Hello? Bulag ka ba? Bingi ka ba? Are you dep?

>>>'Yung STD, baka sa maruming toilet lang niya nakuha n'yan. (when commenting about the allegation of Kris Aquino that her brother Joey Marquez has STD)

>>>E ikaw ba naman durugin ang ari mo… 'Pag di ka naman nanutok ng baril?

>>>We are lovers, not fighters.

>>>My brother is not a girl, he's a gentleman.

>>>That's why I'm a success, it's because I don't middle in other people's lives.

>>>Don't judge my brother; he is not a book! (again, another counter to the Kris-Joey scandal)

>>>Kapatid ko pa rin s'ya. We are one and the same.

>>>I don't eat meat. I'm not a carnival.

>>>Eto na po ang pinakamaligayang pasko at manigong bagong taon sa inyong lahat! (during her acceptance speech at a Metro Manila Film Festival awards night where her bioflick, directed by her late father Temyong Marquez, won an award)

>>>Sumasakit ang migraine ko!

>>>Ang tatay ko ang only living legend na buhay!

>>>Period na talaga, wala ng exclamation point! (when asked on S-Files if her present husband, Adam Lawyer, is her Mr. Right)

>>>(at a talkshow after her break-up with Derek Dee, Melanie was asked if she had some words for Derek's mother [whom she partly blamed for the separation]). Oo nga, pero i-English-in ko para maintindihan niya. (she looked into the camera,a nd with the peremptoriness of royalty, said) And to you Mrs. Dee, I have two words for you. Ang labo mo!

>>>(when asked for a message to her daughter who was allegedly abused by their houseboy) Don't worry little angel, big angel is here!

>>>(on what they should do to the houseboy who molested her kid) He should be put behind bar!

>>>You can fool me once, you can even fool me twice, you can even fool me thrice. But you can never fool me four!

>>>(while waiting backstage during a noontime show, after watching Nikki Valdez do her dance number) Nikki, you're so galing. You should go to the States. You will sell hotcakes.

Add-ons:

>>>When it comes to fashion, it is not your problem anymore, because it is our problem anymore! (her slogan-statement in her show, Ginang Fashionista at QTV Channel 11)

>>>(at the death of her friend Chat Silayan) I hope I can use my knowledge so that her family could be together in the celestial kingdom.

From a text message: Top 8 Melanie Marquez Quotes

>>>I couldn't care a damn!

>>>What's your next class before this?

>>>Can you repeat that for the second time around once more from the top? (ulitin natin hanggang mamatay tayo!)

>>>Hello? (on the phone) My brother Joey is out of town. Would you like to wait?

>>>Don't touch me not!

>>>Hello? (on the phone again) For a while, please hang yourself.

>>>You! You're not a boy anymore! You're a man anymore!

>>>Come, let's join us!

Hmm...I wonder what she would come up with next time? We actually have our own: "What are friends are for." Haha. ;)

two years apart too late

A few months ago, I saw a preview of the movie "Lake House" featuring Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. I was pissed off then.

Back in October, last time I hanged out with my friends from highschool, we crashed into Anne's house to have a movie marathon and my friend, Charity, brought this Korean movie that she think we would love. After two bags of chips and one liter of Coke later, the movie was so great. As what Charity said, the ending of this movie was so great that we wouldn't ask for an explanation of how two people could love, or even communicate with each other when they are two years apart. Since we haven't heard of this movie from any of our other friends, we decided it's gonna be our own movie (now, how do you own a movie per se?). That we will never let the "sanctity" of this movie be bastardized, let alone be on the mainstream like what happened to "My Sassy Girl" (See, I only watched the first part of this Korean chick flick so I am not really into those romantic movies, unless they really fit my taste).

Once the whole world knew about it, the magic of the movie slowly evaporates until it seeps into the minds of those merely watch it for the sake of "watching it." Kinda selfish and harsh, but I believed in what Charity and the five of us (Christian wasn't there at that time) "vowed" on that day.

That's why I was pissed. A few months after I have watched this oh-so-great-Korean-movie, an American movie remake was done. Yessss.... Lake House indeed. I immediately texted Charity about it because I wasn't really happy about it. I could almost live with the fact that Sandra Bullock plays the woman, but Keanu Reeves being in it was a stretch. It seemed like he didn't fit in there at all. He is too handsome for the role (Sorry Reeves), if there's such a thing.

Two weeks ago, I received a pm from Charity. Minus the numerous curses (which is my good friend's way of saying we miss each other) and the long argument about not telling them I'll be going here in AZ, which she mentions in every letter ;), Charity finally dropped the news that got me laughing so hard that I was already teary-eyed:

"tsaka kung nghihimutok ka sa lake house na gumaya kamo sa il mare isipin mo na lang ang naramdamn ko nung nagkaroon ng filipino version nun.. starring karylle, iza calazado at dingdong dantes.. entitled, MOMENTS OF LOVE!!!!!!!

punyeta kung pwede lang maghubad sa kalsada at magrally ginawa ko na.. kapag may pera na ako ipapadala ko sayo ung movie na yun..."

Now, I rest my case.

I love you, Cha. Hehe. Don't worry, we'll do that when we are in our 50s where no one would care if we undress in the middle of the street. Hehe. At least, we could give justice to this movie even if it's 30 years late. Hahaha.

Hah, I just love my friends. :)

checklist

There are so many things a person could do in his life, that he merely thinks about which to do first and end up being sucked up into that thinking. He ends up doing nothing coz he wants to do everything perfect, which is impossible to happen. The only way for a person to do what he wants is to be spontaneous. Just go for it without thinking at all. Be a risk taker. That's how you really "live" a life.

I made up a checklist of the things I wanna do, that I hope wouldn't end up of me simply thinking about them. That it's not yet too late for me to get out of that whirlpool of daydreaming the what-should-have-beens or who should I be someday. When I was five, I usually said to myself that when I grow up I'll do his and that. I'll never let this and that happen. I will become like this and that. Well, most of those "this" and "that" never happened.

And now that I think I'm all grown up, I've lost track of those things I said before. Yet again, I hope it's not yet too late. I'm 20; all grown up, but still young to never forget.

CHECKLIST

1. Build a dog pound so that all of the stray dogs in our neighborhood will be taken care of. (A promise I made when I was like seven. Yah, kinda childish. I just remembered about it while I was walking home and saw a dog without its owner. The human brain is a real wonder. The memory of it just suddenly hit me)

2. Ride a rollercoaster (Yes, I haven't rode in one. The closest thing I could get was to a caterpillar ride back in my elementary days. Coz I get dizzy and might end up throwing up. Well, how would I know if I don't get to try it right?)

3. Be someone that my parents are going to be proud of. (How many years of your life does it take to satisfy your parents? I'm almost giving up the battle on this one. But still...)

4. Read all of the books that I bought or received from people (I'm starting on this one and have read three or four books while staying here in AZ. I have the time now so it's all good)

5. Ride on a cruise ship.

6. Have one wild ride on a hot air balloon. (Okay, drop the wild thing)

7. Be able to go to New York, Paris, Antartica, and Japan

8. Learn how to drive a car.

9. And in connection to number 8, buy my own car. (I'm thinking of either a Mustang or Convertible. And if only I have the money, maybe a Ferrari...and an armored van. Seriously. I love that "car")

10. Be published in a book.

11. Live a dream job - in context, be a successful writer, vet (wow, I can't believe I actually mentioned this), or become one of the people behind the Oprah show. Yah, very rewarding. (There still more...just can't think of 'em right now)

12. Learn to speak in Spanish, Japanese, French, and maybe Latin (seems like my language classes in College)

13. Be inside an igloo and sleep there overnight (that's why I'd like to go to Antartica hehe)

14. Join in a Go-Kart Racing.

15. Treat my closest friends to a trip somewhere for a vacation (Coz the supreme being knows how much I love my true, closest friends. They're half my life)

16. Treat my closest cousins to a trip, too. (To reminisce the good old days we had and to catch up with each other)

17. Of course, treat my parents, my brother, and my Tita Ofel to a trip somewhere toO (Or perhaps just anything that I know they would enjoy and make them happy. They're the other half of my life, and it took 20 years for me to realize and admit that)

18. Reward the people who were good to me, good to other people, and those who were never hypocrites. As well as punish those who are hypos. Yes, revenge is sweet.

19. Go to a concert of Fall Out Boy (and probably take a picture, or even meet them. I just love this band's music)

20. Help my cousin(s) to finish their studies.

21. Donate $240.00 to the Operation Smile Organization (Yes, it only takes $240.00 to give one child the smile that he or she deserves. That's like a week of my salary. I'm starting to set aside money for
this, day by day. It doesn't hurt to give back. I hope you'll do too)

22. Go back to Elbi. (UP Los Banos)

23. Attend my highschool reunion a different person, in a good way. Coz my highschool life is pretty much a big regret (except for the people I met during that time. Well, some of them)

24. Buy my own house with great interior deco. Or if I get richer, have a library, a garden, and a swimming pool/jacuzzi in it. But that's just if I get lucky.

25. Have a boyfriend (Now this is complicated. Actually, I'm not sure if I actually "need" one, if there's gonna be. I'm selfish of my time. So I guess no guy's up for that. Just included it here in case I change my mind. Just for fun :p)

26. Have an Organ Donor card

27. "Balikan si Cham-Cham," an LTS-2 student who made it clear to me how children need the attention and education they deserve to realize their full potential. A kid who made me see how lucky I am to get the education my parents worked hard for. Coz it really does pay back.

28. Be at TRL while Lindsay Lohan is hosting or the guest there hahaha. Okay, we could remove the LL part. Just wanna know the feeling of being on the set of a TV show. Such a thrill.

29. Die young (hmmm...morbid)

30. Meet Genoveva Edroza Matute (Before it's too late. Or is it already?)

31. Buy a laptop/notebook

32. Organize my CDs, VCDs, and DVDs

33. Buy my own iPod video (haha, i wish)

34. Not be a spendthrift most of the time (Now, this is hard)

35. Attend my closest friends' graduation by March of next year

36. Buy the DVD collections of my favorite tv series (I just love watching them over and over again)

37. Do a road trip with my brother

38. Do a "great" film with, or for FC

39. Create our own book launch with my LAYB peeps (Yes guys, our own book, because I believe in what we can do if we just have the time, the money, and our whole heart plunged into it. It's not that far from happening.)

40. Create my will and testament before I die (Well, actually I don't know if a Will and Testament really applies to me since I don't have any large assets to share with anybody, but there are some small yet valuable things for me that I want someone to have. It's my way of letting them know how much they meant to me. And at least before I die, I would finally speak up about what I really felt. It's like a hit-and-run thing. Whatever they'd say about it, I don't care anymore since well, I'm dead haha. And it's much better to die prepared hehe.)

I was hoping to do 50 but since I can't think of anything else, I'll stop at 40 this time.

Now, these aren't in any particular order. I just wrote whatever came to my mind. There's actually more to what are listed here. When I remember them, I'll just add it once in a while.I hope I could do all of them before I "expire," or probably lose hope in actually accomplishing them. I'm 20, and I don't wanna waste my first year of being "-teenless" by being the same person I've been for the past 19 years.

Redundancy is a boring thing, especially when it occurs in your life. Good luck to me.

butterpillar effect

Yes, I have a new layout.

Hindi halata noh? Total makeover. Cluttered pa rin, but I feel much improved ang version na ito. It's what I have been doing for the past weeks so I kinda detached myself from doing posts.

And Paul, this isn't the gurly-type of layout I told you on the tagboard. Hindi bagay sa image ko. Hindi naman ako gurly. If that happens, magugunaw ang buong mundo. Nope, ang kalawakan pala. Hehe.

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ko sinusulat ang post na ito. Actually, I just want to shout out na, "BAGO ANG LAYOUT NG BLOG KO HA-HA-HA-HA--HA-HA (mala-Mandark *from Dex's Lab* na tawa)!!" That's just the purpose of this post.

Wala naman ako maikwento. Ganun siguro talaga pag work. It seems like you are enclosed in this mechanical stage of your life. You wake up at 6:10 a.m. You take a bath for 15 minutes. You dress yourself for about 10 to 20 minutes, depending on how fast you could decide on what to wear. By 6:45, if you get lucky in picking your outfit for the day on the first try, you heat up refrigerated food from the microwave - one for breakfast and the other you pack for lunch. Or sometimes, you don't feel like eating that you just pack some mints or M&Ms in a ziplock bag and a bottle of water; hoping that it would be enough to satisfy your appetite during break time.

The clock strikes 7:10 or 7:15, and you should be done eating your breakfast by that time. You brush your teeth for five minutes or so. Then sometimes, you kneel down on the carpeted floor to dry your hair using the dryer (syempre, meron pa bang iba). Or at times, due to laziness, you'll just have to pull your hair up coz the hair won't "cooperate" with you that morning.

Usually, you'll be done by 7:25. You go to the bathroom again to put a little touch of powder on your face, or cheeks, or forehead, and maybe a little blush-on sometimes. The lip balm sometimes help too, although you know that it wears out easily before you could even arrive at the office. You still smear them on your lips anyway.

At 7:40, you should be leaving the house and waiting at the bus stop which is just two to three streets away. It's supposed to come by 7:45, and if you're lucky, you won't have to wait under the sweltering heat as if you are standing under a spotlight as big as the sun.

You get to the College Station by 8:10, or maybe past that. You sometimes listen to your iPod, or read a book when you think your head could take it before info overload from work starts. It's 8:20, the 56 Bus going to Priest Drive arrives. You talk to Mark, the bus driver who has become your friend throughout the past two months that you've been riding on his bus. And also maybe because both of you watch American Idol - same interests can help conversations keep on going.

Before 9:00, you arrive at the office. Walk maybe another two to three streets before you could get to the building of the insurance company's word processing division, which is found on the third floor of that building. You surrender your I.D. to the guard and he gives you your "badge." You flash it on the sensors to open the door, get inside, walk through the break room and wait until it's 9:45 a.m. to start the real fun for that day - work.

Hah. I've got to get off of this routine.

Well, at least bago ang layout ko hehehe. That's not usual.

And no, I haven't seen the movie "Butterfly Effect." It has got nothing to do with the title of this post.

15 minutes left

Ganoon lang pala kadaling magtapon ng pagkakaibigan.

Lalo na kung ikaw lang pala ang nagpapahalaga dito pagkatapos ng ilang taon, pagkatapos ng lahat ng emosyon na ibinuhos mo dito.

Oo, ganoon lang magtapon ng pagkakaibigan. Parang balat ng kendi na kapag nakuha mo na ang laman, madali lang pakawalan ng kamay at itapon sa daan. O isiksik sa bulsa at itago na lang doon hanggang sa makalimutan mo na.

Tatandaan ko ang araw na ito. Pinaiyak mo ko. Tulad ng ilang taong ginugol ko sa pag-iyak, pagkatulala, pag-iisip. Tatandaan ko ang araw na ito na bumalik ang lahat ng alaalang hindi pala karapat-dapat na balikan.

Salamat pinaiyak mo ko. Salamat sa pagtapon sa ating pagkakaibigan. Salamat. Totoo, salamat. Matakot ka at nakangiti akong sinasabi ito. Salamat.

>>At salamat din sa sulat ng isang kaibigang natanggap ko (hindi nakakatakot ang ngiti ko sa pagsabi ko nito. Sinsero ako dito.) Kung hindi, patuloy na dadaloy ang luhang hindi mailabas ng mata. Sana okay ka. <<

Minsan lang ako magtiwala sa pagkakaibigan. Pero hanggang ngayon, kung kailan akala ko totoo ang lahat, duon magigimbal ang mundo mo.

Itutuon ko na lang ang sarili ko sa... Sarili ko. Oo, dahil sigurado akong hindi niya ako sasaktan. At hindi rin niya itatapon ang pagkakaibigan namin. Kung tutuusin, wala siyang choice. Hindi ba?

oldies

Moon River
Henry Mancini

Moon river, wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style some day
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way

Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me

(moon river, wider than a mile)
(I'm crossin' you in style some day)

Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you're goin', I’m goin' your way

Two drifters, off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after that same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me

(moon river, moon river)

:)

scam you.

I remembered when I was in second or probably third year highschool, those times when I became so indulged in writing poetry (actually, I still am now), that I surfed the net and saw this website asking you to submit your poems and have a chance of winning about a thousand or million dollars, and have your poem published in a coffeetable-type book together with other writers.

Yah, I submitted my piece. I even have my own webpage featuring my poems (which is by the way, opening the door to plagiarism and the like).

Weeks later, I received a letter from that website, saying that my poem was chosen and blah blah (my parents opened it earlier due to the rising issue of Anthrax in letters during that time. Their reaction was just so funny.)

I was so happy. The feeling of having your own work chosen amongst others (especially when you have poured your whole heart and soul to it) was like getting high or being in the state of Nirvana.

But of course, Nirvana does not exist, and so does the book. Weeks after I received that letter, another letter came saying that my poem will be included in an audio book; together with a brochure asking for me to pay about $15.00 to $20.00 in order to avail of the said audio book, featuring my own poetry.

The internet, the same source where I saw this site that put a light on my weary, wannabe writer heart, was the same source that brought me to the reality that such was a scam. I never thought that I would become a victim of it, but same as the feeling when a person is in love, you become blind and irrational when the thing you loved the most is involved in the situation. That is what happened to me. I cried in front of the computer reading tons of people's reactions about such treachery. So childish, but I felt cheated.

A month ago, I received a rather odd email.

=============================================================

FROM MR NZE BARRY
DIRECTOR OF FINANCE
AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT,
BANK OF AFRICA,COTONOU-BENIN REPBLIC.

Your urgent reply to this Email address: nzebarry5@yahoo.es

My name is Mr.Nze Barry, I am the credit DIRECTOR OF FINANCE AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT, BANK OF AFRICA, COTONOU-BENIN REPBLIC. I am contacting you of a business transfer, of a huge sum of money from a deceased account. Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that everything has been taken care off, and all will be well at the end of the day. I decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction.

PROPOSITION; I am the account officer of a foreigner named Gerald Welsh who died in an air crash along with his wife on the 31st October 1999 in an Egyptian airline 990 with other passengers on board. You can confirm this from the website below which was published by BBC WORLD NEWS. WEBSITE. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/502503.stm Since his death, none of his next-of-kin are alive to make claims for this money as his heir, because they all died in the same accident himself and his wife(May their soul rest in peace). We cannot release the fund from his account unless someone applies for claim as the next-of-kin to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines.

Upon this discovery, I now seek your permission to have you stand as a next of kin to the deceased, as all documentations will be carefully worked out by me for the funds (USD 8,000,000.00) to be released in your favor as the beneficiary's next of kin. Because after four years the money will be called back to the bank treasury as unclaimed bills and the money shared amongst the directors of the bank. so it is on this note i decided to seek for whom his name shall be used as the next of kin/beneficiary to this funds rather than allow the bank directors to share this money amongst themselves at the end of the year.

It may interest you to know that we have secured from the probate an order of mandamus to locate any of the deceased beneficiaries. Please acknowledge receipt of this message in acceptance of our mutual business endeavor by furnishing me with the following information if you are interested.

1.A Beneficiary name. In order for me to prepare the document for transfer of the funds in your name.

2. Direct Telephone and fax numbers. For our personal contact and mutual trust in each other. I shall be compensating you with million dollars ( 3 Million Dollars) on final conclusion of this project for your assistance, while the balance of 5 Million Dollars shall be for me for investment purposes. Because I intend to retire after the conclusion of this transaction.

If this proposal is acceptable by you, please endeavor to contact me immediately. Do not take undue advantage of the trust I have bestowed in you, I await your urgent reply. to this address: nzebarry5@yahoo.es

Regards,
Mr. Nze Barry

I learned my lesson already. But I give people the benefit of the doubt. Also, maybe my way of replying might bring change to other people's choices and their decisions in life. Most of all, I believe that this "benefit of the doubt" that you bestow upon people might make even the worst, vicious criminal turn into a person he is ought to be. Or in this case, swindlers and cybercriminals. And I was so bored at that time (no job etc. hehehe). Here was my reply.

=============================================================

11 February 2006
MR NZE BARRY

DIRECTOR OF FINANCE

AUDITING AND ACCOUNTING UNIT,

BANK OF AFRICA,COTONOU-BENIN REPBLIC.

Dear Mr. Barry,

I am sending you this email as a reply to a message you have sent on my account today, Saturday, February 11, 2006.

First of all, I would like to express my deep sympathies for the death of Mr. Gerald Welsh, as well as his wife on the tragic Egyptian airline 990 crash. I have seen this on the news although I must admit that I did not pay that much attention to it because of personal matters.

Before I state anything else, with the continuous advancement of technology nowadays, it is hard to tell what is true and what is not. Mankind has become too engrossed in improving their lives at the expense of other people's hardwork. Simple pick pocketing evolved into burglary into smuggling, and most recently, cyber crimes have become very rampant. Every day, it arrives me to some conclusion that what people invent or generate to improve their lives is what also destroys them. Like money.

I want to be as honest to you as possible. This has been the second time I have received an email such as this. The first was from an old woman from Egypt or Iraq (I am not sure) who was suffering from an illness. Same as with your purpose, she sent me an email asking me a favor if I could become her benefactor for all the wealth she gained. I replied to her email, and did not receive a reply from her since then.

So, what I told her is the same as what I am about to tell you now. If this is a mere lure in order to fool people, or take advantage of them, then I feel sorry for you and your intentions. And if I may say, the gravity of what you are doing is much more offensive than the Egyptian or Iraq woman considering that someone would have the nerve to use such a tragedy in order to satisfy their own greed or desires.

But then again, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. If your intentions are as pure as what they must seem to be, I suggest of why not donating this large amount of money to charities or social institutions that would help millions of people who deserve these amount of dollars more than I do. I must admit, I am still young. I came from a country who suffers from poverty which pushed me and my family to move to another country for a "better life." And a reply to this letter may be putting my reputation on the line, or foremost, my own safety. As well as that I will not deny that the call for money didn't enter my mind. Of course, it did as any person would. Most especially that I am not nor have I been a wealthy person. But, I believe that the call to help others is much stronger than that of money. And that also I watch too much Oprah (a talk show host) in the hope that she could change me and I would become a philantrophist as well.

I apologize for the long stories. You may choose to reply or not to my message. I am just giving you other posibilities that you may wish to consider; choices that will allow you to change other people's lives. I am not religious, I just hope that by this little step I might make a difference to others. Now, considering that you have the purest intentions, if it comes to the point that I am your last resort about this matter, after you have done everything in your power to resolve such a "problem," then you may contact me in this same email and maybe, I could help you in some way.

Again, I am sorry for what happened. And I hope that such a large sum of money will land in the hands of those who will make good out of it. Thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely yours,

April

A day after sending this email, Mr. Barry (as who he said he is) replied to my email. And I was online during that time...

=============================================================

Dear April

Thank you for your email details, I am a believer of Lord Jesus Christ, I was born into a roman catholic church, a Christian home, I am a senior banker and I am contented with my monthly salary, however I couldn't seat down here and watch my director confiscate my late client fund for they selfish interest, I am very close to late Gerald Welsh and I tried all possible means to trace any of his relatives without any luck, I could love to donate the fund to charity organization, I believe that the fund will change a lot of lives, I don't need the fund, but a lot of people needs it.

Further more, I can't donate this fund to aid organization without putting claim to it, I have to present someone out there as my late client next of kin before the fund can be transfer out of my bank, my late client domiciliary account has been domat, because nobody has operated on the said account for years now and I can't put a claim myself due to code of conduct guarding every staff here, I am not allow to operate a foreign account, so I need you to get the fund out of here first, perhaps you will decide on what to do with the fund afterwards. building houses for homeless and doing Gods works.

If you are really sure of using the fund to change a lot of lives, well, God knows, because I am not a money Morgan, I don't worship money, because money is the root of all evil, the bible says, I quote "What Shall It Profit A Man To Gain The Whole World And Lose His Soul" I was afraid of contacting people for some years now, because considering what is going on the global today, everybody are afraid of next person to him or she, although I barely met you, but my mind tells me that you will handle the fund very well, you need to have the fear of God in you to enable you do Gods work.

Finally, you have nothing to be afraid, because the transfer will be complete under legal procedures to avoid any breach of law, you can call me on telephone number +229 97167754 for more chat. I do watch Oprah a talk show too and I learned a lot from her show.

You can call me or reply by email for more discussion, I have to write you today 12-Feb-06, because tomorrow will be too busy for me, but you can call me anytime you wish.

Yours faithfully

Mr. Barry

After that encounter, I never replied to his email again. I received another email from a different person offering the same thing(and by the way, I am not a religious person, so I have to ignore all the Godly talk and most people who preach about them being so religious end up being the hypocrites of this society. Sorry kung may tamaan).

Go to this link: [sorry I can't find that site anymore. what a bummer] (it's kind of a long reading). I admire this man for doing this, although he was just playing with him all along.

So, lesson learned: I don't know. Just figure it out, if there's actually something. ;)

Have a great weekend everyone.

answers from the ceiling

Dahil hindi pa ako nakakagawa nang panibagong post sa matagal na panahon, naghalungkat ako sa aking mga papers na isi-nubmit nitong College para i-post dito hehe. Mag-recycle daw ba? Hindi naman. Tutal, professor ko lang at ako ang nakakabasa ng mga papers na ito so why don't I share it kahit papaano.

In short, tinatamad ako gumawa ng bagong post so eto na muna. Hehe.

Answers from the Ceiling

08.09.2004 PHLO 1

Lying on bed in the dormitory, I stared endlessly at the ceiling, not noticing that a spider was carefully knitting his cobwebs on it.

Thomas Nagel's, "The Absurd" was a very timely reading for me. Starting out the second year of my college life actually led me to think that everything I do now is actually absurd. After I’ve graduated from college, I would start again from scratch, end up jobless just like the others and become an additive to the statistics of the unemployed here in the Philippines. It is actually degrading to think about it. Why am I studying anyway? Why can’t I just enjoy my life since I could only have one, or either way make the most out of it? All of these that I’ve been working hard for the whole eighteen years of my life would end up useless from the moment I die. And so, I find myself perceiving life as somewhat cynical; and it scares me.

The reading in certain ways altered my perspective about the absurdity of life. Though it sounds a bit hypocrite of me to say that, but it actually did. Nagel cited that "the absurdity of our situation derives not from a collision between our expectations and the world, but from a collision within ourselves." From my own understanding, humans indeed make their lives too complicated. That is why we see life meaningless, because we tend to be demanding of how we should make both ends of our lives meet. People, at times, have the inclination to create problems, or in common terms "gumawa ng sariling problema na hindi naman kailangang problemahin." The absurdity of our lives doesn’t merely depend on the world’s response to us, rather we have different "self-conflicts" that we need to realize in order to see the real sense of our lives.

Moreover, Nagel emphasized the capacity of man for self-consciousness, which made me think to be amazed of my being, as well as my life, instead of totally cursing it. Using as an example the life of a mouse being not absurd made everything put into perspective. Contemplating on how I would want to live my life is an idea that I have neglected; I should consider myself lucky for I am able to see myself deeper, and make something out of me. Although the mere contemplation of ourselves is a root of why people started to think life is absurd, such thought would not even exist without our capability for self-consciousness and awareness. Similar to what the author mentioned, "…absurdity is one of the most human things about us: a manifestation of our most advanced and interesting characteristics." To this, I believe it is a truce.

So, here I am again staring at the ceiling. I carefully watched the spider as it adds "finishing touches" to its cobwebs. I may have seen life absurd…Or in many ways a bit monotonous, too. But then, what if I was a spider? Wouldn’t my life become even more monotonous? More or less, I think I should settle for what I have now. Grudging about the sense of life won’t make it any better. It would do more good if I’ll snap out of it now, before the consciousness of my self transforms into a destruction of it.

dish chi chuan

Simula ng lumipat kami dito sa apartment in Scottsdale, I find myself feeling exhilirated whenever I do the dishes. Kahit na sobrang laki ang mga plato namin dito (sa laki nila di man lang umaabot ang maliliit kong daliri sa gitna ng pinggan), much to my surprise that I don't care if I tire myself the whole day emptying the sink full of filthy dishes.

Siguro, it's my own way of relaxing my mind. Kung ang iba ay nagme-meditation, yoga, or exercise, for me its washing the dishes. Call it Dish Chi Chuan or something.

I don't know if it has something to do with Arizona's warm water (which according to my Aunt, is the most potable water here. Hmm, guess I'll have to verify that first). Or the fact that I like keeping our new kitchen spick and span.

Sometimes, I notice myself staring at the plate I am holding while the water relentlessly flows on it. Not to the point na natatambak na ang mga hugasan namin. But washing the dishes gives me a sense of satisfaction, of calmness, of accomplishment.

Naiisip ko rin na baka dahil natutuwa rin akong gumamit ng paper towels kaya mas naaaliw akong maghugas ng pinggan (meron din namang ganun sa atin, pero mahal at mas economical gumamit ng basahan). O siguro, puwede ring lumalabas na ang "inner obsessive compulsive behavior" ko na parang na-trigger ng aura ng kusina namin.

But it's not like I am "turned on" by dishwashing (which is by the way, freaky and weird). Or that it provides me with the "I feel complete" kind of thing. For heaven's sake, paghuhugas lamang ito ng pinggan! It's not like I've conquered the world or saved a life!

Naalala ko tuloy ang pelikulang "Phenomenon," kung saan bida si John Travolta. Sa isang eksena kung saan nasa loob siya ng isang kwarto kasama ang doktor na nag-oobserve sa kanya, he moves the pencil back and forth the table without touching it. He said that he was able to move the pencil because he was creating a partnership with it (basta parang ganun, di ko matandaan exactly hehe)

I guess that's the same with this case. Coz I know that the plates, forks and paper cups that we use trust me that I would keep them clean.

They won't expect too much from me. They are simply glad that I am there to make sure they are well-kept. They trust me. They don't ask for more. They are contented on what I can and cannot do.

Unlike some people.

Haha. Whatever.

Dishwashing duties anyone?

originally written: 9:34 p.m. 28 December 2005

20 and... what?

I woke up Saturday morning, it was the 4th of February. I wasn't able to sleep well the night before, my heart kept on thumping really fast. I felt so restless. My mind won't stop thinking that I would shake my head hoping that it would at least stop, just for a moment, from thinking too much.

I know it wasn't the feeling of excitement at all. I was problematic. Oh and yeah, I forgot, it was my birthday that morning. But I didn't feel like celebrating at all. Like the nights before, I hoped that day the Supreme Being will spare me from waking up and getting off from bed. Or at least, I just hope I won't make that single phone call that morning - the call that's been giving me all these jitters that I haven't felt every Friday when I was in 3rd year highschool (which is another story I won't even bother to tell).

I had to turn down the job. The location where I was assigned is too far from where I live from. Well, I could live up to that detail since I've studied far from home. If distance was a problem, then I wouldn't have continued studying in Los Banos. But then, Arizona's not Los Banos.

My father and I drove to Shea Blvd. in order to have a glimpse of where I will be working. The drive took us about 45 minutes to an hour. When we arrived there, my jaw dropped when I saw the company I was supposed to work for. It wasn't a single large building, but put an -sss at the end of the b-word and you'll see large structures surrounding you. I felt nervous, but at the same time excited as well. Wow. I just hope I have something in my closet to wear for this kind of work.

My father immediately dropped the bomb as we were going back home. Yes, it was too far. I know. And he kept on repeating the same thing when we went home. Again, I said, "I know." To add to the pressure, I had problems with the bus routes within the location. Yah, just keep all the problems coming...

There was the opportunity. The past nights of talking on the phone, reviewing my resume, preparing myself for the interview: I've finished the whole process and all I have to do was to look for slacks for the business casual attire, and then go to work by Monday (which was another thing I'm nervous about).

But then, that morning I saw myself back again to where I started: a "professional bum;" a useless, jobless 20-year old woman (woman...yah right :p).

I don't even know why I was so devastated that day. Maybe, all the frustrations that I've been feeling about myself for the past weeks accumulated and it bursted, and I dragged myself down.

Or maybe, simply because I know for myself that I am much better than this. That I could do greater things than the situation I am currently in.

And yes, I was scared. I was afraid that my life had no direction for the past months. I thought that for a fact I won't be graduating on time; I'll be 22 then (I'll be spending my next 1 1/2 semesters alone because all my friends and batchmates won't be around anymore :( Back then, I had a glimpse of what my life would be like after I graduated from college. But all of it seems too vague to me now that I can't picture myself anymore for the following years.

And I thought, if nothing else happened in my six-month stay here in Arizona, then I just wasted all those time. My life is retrograding. I can't be satisfied with that, and I don't want my body to get used to that kind of lifestyle.

After a few times that I called my employer, explaining the situation and the problems that I had (Thank you very much Mr. Jeff for your help and your understanding :), I hung up the phone and sat in my bed for awhile.

What should I do now?

Well, I celebrated my birthday with my family. For a while, I tried to forget the jitters I felt that morning. We went out to eat lunch, and my Mom cooked pansit to "induce" us with a longer life ;)

After merienda time, I felt much better. It could be because a mother's cooking is a great remedy for a child's wounded heart (Yes, I think that my mother could cure me - whether it's physical or emotional pain - just by her touch, her hug or the food she prepared. But I don't want her to know that coz I don't want her to think I'm that vulnerable hehe).

And a surprise letter/card from my dear friend Alex arrived in the mail. I really didn't expect it (at magaling ang timing niya dahil saktong araw dumating ang sulat hehe :) It really made me smile on that one special day that I get to celebrate every year. Thank you so much sis.

Lastly, I really admire the people who didn't forget my birthday, that they would take the time to greet me even if I usually forgot theirs. And I appreciate those who knew about it days after and still made the move to send their warmest thoughts (Neng! Salamat ng marami sa e-card! ;)

It made me forget. And I moved on with the day knowing that everything's still going to be alright. :) (Thank you)

I surfed the net that Saturday night, and I laughed at my daily horoscope at friendster.com (which is becoming a ritual for me. Now, is that a good thing, or a bad one? ;)...

The Bottom Line
Being bored is a rare sensation -- enjoy it while it lasts. Busier days are coming.

In Detail
You've been looking at your life lately and wondering if it's at all the way you want it to be. If you're not sure anymore, you have options. You can either seek out a realtor in the city or state of your choice, or you can start flipping through the atlas to find a country you might like to get to know better for a couple of years. Less drastic? Redecorate. 'Create' an entirely new home right where you are.

Yah right. So I guess, I'll just have to enjoy being jobless for awhile. :)

Oh, I just need to note something: A Courtesy Clerk at a grocery store really made my day hehe. I guess I'll be back there every once in a while from now on :)

Since I'm already 20, I have a new motto in life (Goodbye to my elementary motto: You've got the power. Using it is up to you. Haha ang corny!) And honestly, it's really helping me a lot :

"When you want something you never had, you have to do something you've never done. We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are."

Reflect on it. For me, it's worth keeping in mind.

bday prologue (part2)

Whew!! Uhrmm... Part 2.

And lastly, there's my sis in UPFC; A wonderful friend that I met in college.

Agnes P. Alberto: Yah, we never knew how this friendship started. But I'm 110% certain that it won't end.

Certainly, I miss your stories. I miss the times you used to let me sleep on your orthopedic mattress, and sleep at 2 or 3 in the morning simply because we can't get enough of talking with each other. Most of the time, we would just stop either because of "exhaustion" from laughing, or if Beanne moves from the top bed. I miss the days that I was almost like an extended roommate in your apartment. I miss the times we've spent in our CMSC classes, and when we used to have fried siomai (or luncheon meat w/ egg hehe) as our dinner every single night.

I miss summer, and mostly because it reminded me of you and the wacky moments we had.

What could be so great about this friendship that we share? I think... Because we continue to hold onto it. And I like to thank you for that. For every text message you sent, for the small notes, for being the friend who asked for my address here, for taking the time to write the letters you've sent here in Arizona, for never thinking twice of asking for our home# and the intention to call me here even if it would cost you a lot, for making me feel so close to home: all the small things we do could mean so great to other people. And I guess, that's the kind of friendship that we have. Coz you never fail to remember and appreciate, Alex. And that you trust me, which makes me feel overwhelmed. Even if I don't give the perfect advice (or even ones you could use ;), still, you never hesitate to tell them.

If I didn't join FC, I kept on wonderin' if we would have the same kind of friendship that we do have now.

Well, I know we will. Coz the friendship that we share goes far beyond FC, far beyond college that not even the distance between Muntinlupa and Q.C., or Muntinlupa and Arizona would keep us from getting in touch with each other. Just like the message in the letter:

"Thank you for the friendship that never fails...
Thank you for the joy you give me...
Thank you for caring so much."

I hope I could always be there for you even if I'm miles away. I'd like you to know that our friendship means so much to me. Can't wait to see you when I come back. You've got a lot of stories to tell me hehe. Good luck with all your goals (you know what I'm talking about :). I "pray" that you achieve them. Wishing you and your "husband/crush" all the best in life.

Let me just say, I'm indeed sooo lucky to have you as my friend. You're one of the best I have. Love you sis.

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Second: I would like to take this opportunity, before my age transforms into its -teen less years, to thank these people, as well as organizations, who affected me so much. The experiences we've shared truly influenced and molded me into the person I've become. Or simply that I feel absolutely blessed that our paths have crossed. Again, thank you and I salute all of you. :)

The Staff of SAPIENTIA ET VIRTUS/ANG PAGLALAYAG (S.Y. 2002-2003)

Members of CORO SAN ANTONIO (S.Y. 2002-2003)

SAMAHANG LAYB:
Kuya Ayie Agcaoili

Anna "Pinsan!" Balmonte

Blythe Brodit
Catherine Bucu
Clarisse Felipe and Harold "Botchok"
Kuya James

Aji Jaojoco

Raquel Juan
Alex Shamdja Kitma
Carmel Liria
Katherine "Kring" Montuano
Harianne "Rage"

Keno Reyes
Paul Irvin Rivera
Genevieve "Pinky" Soriano
Ma. Carmela "Wav" Torres

Ilia Uy

LAYB's Banda Dilim
(sana'y wala akong nakaligtaan...)

UP FILM CIRCLE:
To all the people from --
Roadrunner (esp. Ate Melai Tud, and Ate Candice Lanuza)
Bahaghari Productions
Pixar
Sky Films
Warner Bros., and
Cinema Paradiso

The FC Alumni
Ang E.B. ng pumasok ang New Line Cinema
E.B. 2nd Sem '04 - 2nd Sem'05 (Twas great working with you guys)

My Ninang, Ate Joan Gracy Escondo (miss na kita Ninang! I'm so lucky at ikaw ang naging Ninang ko! Hope ur ok ;)

UPFC's NEW LINE CINEMA AGENCY:
My dear batchmates, I miss you a lot. I'm so thankful that you are the people I've been with throughout the whole process. And I'm so proud to have all six of you as my batchmates in FC. Thank you.

Carlo Comia
Ma. Concepcion Macalintal
Anna Zoe Magallanes
Kristine Reyes
Kristy Ann Texon
Benson Torres

PEOPLE WHOM I RESPECT THE MOST (aside from my parents, of course hehe)
Mrs. Ma. Isabel Bas
Mr. Rodel Costuna
Mrs. Minda Costuna
Mr. Emmanuel Dumlao
Mr. Dennis Aguinaldo
Ms. Amy Colanta

BLOGGERS:
Without you, the rebirth of this blog won't even be possible. Although, my main goal was to do it for myself, it really feels good that some people actually take their time to read some of my posts. Posting your comments makes me more For the frequent visitors and "taggers":

Neng (Racky) ==> I'm learning a lot of German greetings from you! And I enjoy your wacky posts! Asteeg!

Jeeper ==> a great storyteller. For me, you seem to view things in a different level which opens me to other perspectives about life (esp. from a man's viewpoint), or even the simple things about it. Can't wait for your future posts!

Bulitas (Paul) ==> Thanks for the regular updates, lalo na sa lagi mong pagpaparamdam sa lahat ng tagboard hehe. Keep bloggin!

Melai ==> Let's continue to write until we've come to the point that we could call ourselves "writers" in its fullest sense (whatever that may be ;)

Kixtylle ==> Kristyl, the person I would like to thank the most for introducing me to this "thing." I admire your writing friend.

Kuhraiszy Charmed Sisterhood (KCS):
Igee, Jennina, Mabel, Luel

To my dear sisters, I could never say thank you enough for having you to share about our common "LLove." It's good to know that there are a few people out there who dig into the things you like, that most people find weird about you. I would always miss our insane chat sessions as well as our VERY rare opportunities to see each other. Even if we've only known each other for a short time, every moment is a blast and the thrill of meeting each other never ceases.

Thanks again for the Galleria Escapade, I know how the three of you had to stretch your time, cancel few appointments and tell white lies (ehem...Igz?) in order for us to meet before I left for Arizona. I really appreciate it guys, or I mean gurls. :) I'll be seeing you.

(and as I am typing this, I'm listening to Black Hole hehe)

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Third and last: My family -- My Mom and Dad, My Kuya, Tita Ofel and our all our dogs. (Yup! I consider them family as well ;)

All of you seem so far now, not only physically but emotionally as well. I hope I could still reach you before I lose grip of everything. Wouldn't have traded you for anyone else. I'm proud to be a part of our family, even if I don't show it that much.

And I know you won't be able to read this, and I intend to keep it that way. But still, I want to say the three phrases that would concise what I really feel, and what I always fail to say for the past 19 years: I'm Sorry. Thank you. And I love you very very much.

To be continued again... Damn, this long post is killing my brain.