the deer and the hunter

I saw you dragging her to the forest. She was fair, her skin was white as snow. Her lips was red as blood. She is beautiful. I was only a dot-nosed deer who was confused if a hunter like you could love an animal like me. You stabbed her chest, and as you took her heart, you took mine as well.

You forgot that the forest was where we met. It was the place that made me love you, every single day that I see you hunting the other wild. You didn't see me, until I showed myself to you. I want to be hunted by you. I ran when you were too near, but when you can't catch up anymore, I walked. I loved it when I could look at your face clearly for the first time, instead of glancing at you from afar.

One day, I decided for you to finally catch me. Even if the sharpness of your knife would cause me pain, I was willing to take it. I waited. And waited. And waited.

But you didn't come back. I never saw your footsteps on the mud again. But still, I waited.

Every time I woke up in the forest, I look at the sun rising and think of you alone. I was wondering when are you going to come back. When will you hunt for me again? I miss the chase. I missed you. Even if everything wasn't sure. Even when I said I love you, and you said you like me for my fur. A rock hit me on the chest.

Then I thought if you were just the same as the others who hunted me and left me?

Until one morning, the sun rose. And I didn't think of you anymore. I didn't wait for you. I felt nothing. I didn't want to be chased anymore. I wanted to be alone and be once again with the wild that doesn't feel anything. That's what a deer was supposed to do in the first place - not to feel anything; to be simply hunted for my fur and die in the arms of many hunters.

There was another hunter. He came. But I didn't do the chase. Because I didn't want to feel anything. I wasn't supposed to. I am selfish of myself.

Then you came back to the forest, armed with your pen instead of the knife that I would've allowed you to kill me with. Even with the pen, you still said you like me. And you think you love me. And the rock hit me on the chest for the second time around.

The forest is where we met. It is where I loved you, and where you liked me and thought you love me. It is where I waited for you. You chased me again. But I was already hiding from you. The deer is afraid again. The deer doesn't want to feel anything. You searched. Then you left off maybe to another forest.

I am alone in the forest. Maybe you are alone too. Someday, maybe we'll find each other again. Someday.

For now, I hope you won't burn the forest.

"Sana ang hunter at usa maging magkaibigan. Para walang mamamatay, at walang papatayin."

*This story was inspired by a reading in my HUM1 class: Snow, Glass Apples

part 1 ng feb fair week

Gusto kong gumawa ng isang major make-over sa blog na ito, tulad ng mga nangyaring make-over sa buhay ko nitong mga nakaraang linggo.

Natapos ang Feb Fair 2 weeks ago. Isa sa mga linggong sana'y hindi mabilis na dumaan. Unang Feb Fair ko ito na kasama ang bagong pamilya ko sa FC. Kakaiba. Maligalig. Masaya. Marami akong narealize. Pero mamaya na ang mga detalye. Heto ang unang part.

FEB FAIR WEEK : Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005

Hindi ako umuwi sa amin bago mag-Feb Fair. Maraming mga bagay na kailangang gawin. Sabado: kasama ang mga brods *ehem, ung 2 doubtful pa hehe* na Carlo, Benson at Kuya Jexter, pinagmukha naming galaxy ang exhibit. Kapwa kami nasaludsod ni Kuya Jexter sa pagbuhat ng exhibit na nagfi-feeling akong macho kahit na hindi (hrrrm...Ate Beth?). Buti, nakasalubong namin si Carlo sa LandBank. Haha savior siya, malapit na't maibabagsak ko ang exhibit.

Dumating si Benson sa 4Boys. Nagkaroon ng magandang ideya si Kuya Jexter para sa logo. Iba eh, saan ka pa makakakita ng Rico Yan na, eh props pa sa Icebag (wehehe, joke lang po :P). Sinimulan naming ukitin ang styrofore-turned-logo ng FC. Nagmukhang Alps Mountain ang 4Boys. Napagod na ng kakahabol si Benson ng snow. Kahit naman ako maaasar. Pero, tuloy lang sa pag-ukit. Nanggagalaiti ata si Kuya Jexter sa styro, nabali ung isang part. Nagmukha nang friend ni Spongebob yung logo. Cute hehe.

Magbabandang 12 na, kumain muna kami sa Jhen's *bokbok para kina Quel at Irvin.* Mainit, matindi ang sikat ng sun. Walang magawa ang payong ko. Si Carlo, nakatatlong rice. Sana, rice na lang ang inulam din niya (hehe, peace tayo Carlo). Masarap ang ham and egg sa Jhen's, kung hindi lang nilagyan ng ketchup. Ayoko ng ketchup.

Pagkatapos ng isang 1.5 liters ng coke at pakete ng strawberry-filled sunflower crackers, natapos rin kami. Sayang yung kandila ni Kuya Jexter. Pero kaya pa namang irecycle, basta tipunin lang ung mga upos.

Umalis si Benson ng mga 2pm. Pumunta kami sa LFA para sukatin ang goal post. Malaki siya. As in sobra sa estimation. Tumambay kaming 3 sa Freedom Park. Nanlibre si Carlo ng kropek. Mas masarap kumain ng kropek pag may kasama.

Marami kaming napag-usapan. Mula sa hayskul layp, orgs, frat wars, soro wars, lovelife, courtship, lalaki, babae, multo, ESP, marami. Basta marami. Marami akong natutunan sa mga brods ko. Ngayon lang uli ako nakabond sa mga lalaki ng serious (yung isa nga doubtful) at humingi ng payo sa kanila tungkol sa buhay ng babae. Huli ko atang nagawa ito nung 3rd year pa ko at kausap ko ang kabarkada kong si Christian. Ironic, pero nakaka-enlighten.

Love is a phenomenon.

Nakakita ng isang kakaibang shadow si Kuya Jexter sa banda harap namin. Nahalata kong natakot ako kasi lumapit akong lalo sa kanila. Buti hindi nila nahalata. Pangalawang beses, si Carlo naman nakakita. Naramdaman namin ang gutom. From 4:30 pm, lagpas 8:00 na. Nakakamiss ang siomai ng Papu's.

Ayoko nang bumahin sa Papu's. Basta. Dyahe ang nangyari sa akin. Hindi ko na ikukwento. Sa amin na lang tatlo yun. Nagkuwentuhan kami. Mula sa magulang, sa buhay ni Kuya Jexter na tila isang shocking moment, hanggang sa naging inspirational ang topic. It was an blind eye-opener.

Magbabandang 11 na ng gabi. Pagkatapos kumain sa Papu's, nagkuwentuhan uli kami habang nakaupo sa gilid ng Goldilocks. Malamig ang hangin. Pero masarap pa ring makipagkuwentuhan. Hindi nakakasawa. Hindi nakakaumay. Sana hindi matapos ang gabi. Pero may curfew ako sa dorm. Si Carlo uwi pa ng San Pablo. Si Kuya Jexter, sa 4Boys nakatira pero delikado pa rin pag gabi na.

Marami pa rin kaming napag-usapan sa loob ng isang oras na yun. Dumaan si Kwek Kwek Tower na blocmate ni Kuya Jexter. Kaklase ko rin siya nung PE 1 at ngayon sa COMA 104. Magaling siya umarte. Magaling mag-adlib lalo na sa stage. Di ko napansin kasama pala niyang dumaan yung classmate ko sa SPCM 104. Di ko ata siya nabati. Ang labo na kasi ng mata ko.

Bukas aayusin naman ang booth.
Sana hindi masyadong mainit. Masaya mag-stay sa LB pag weekends. The feeling was a phenomenon for me.

Carlo, salamat sa kropek. Benson, ingats sa interview sa Forestry. Kuya Jexter, ipaayos mo na yan sa Aniko (?). =P

Hanggang bukas muli.

Part 2: abangan...

intimate moments with the cr cubicle

I felt the "boiling" water of the Women's dorm faucet caressing my body. It was already past 9 in the morning,I just came from my first class not yet bathed. Yes, I admit that I don't take a bath for my 7:00 class. I'd be late for my speech (SPCM 104 class) if I'd still get to dry my hair and end up looking hideous at the end. Damn the person who will mock me.

The everyday water that I bathe with is slowly killing the strands of my hair. Just like how I felt dead inside that cubicle while I was taking a bath. I wanted to drop a single tear, together with the water gushing out from the shower so that I won't feel its warmth.

But I didn't cry. I haven't cried for a long time.
It scared me. I am always scared. My posts on this blog mostly contained the phrase, "And it scared me." It's getting too pathetic.

Still, I wanted to cry. I want to rub away everything just like the soap I held on my left hand. I hope my silent self would stop being silent. I hoped that the soap would just cleanse away everything.

But it's just a soap. And all I writer could do with a soap is play with it with his words.

I turned the shower's knob to lower the gush. I was about to finish taking my late bath. Then I thought I wasn't able to cry. Again, it scared me. I turned the shower up again, until i could feel the gush of water splashing on my face rapidly.

It didn't help at all. I took my clothes and went back to our room.

After putting my clothes on, I read a letter.

I was teary-eyed, but still I didn't cry.

Damn the water for not comforting me.